There are two reasons family law will always be a busy area of practice.  The reasons are that there are two subjects we do not teach in school: conflict resolution and money management.  If people could manage their money or the conflict in their lives, the divorce business would be in for a major downturn.

Practical financial advice is hard to come by.  And we say this with some authority because we have been looking for professionals who understand household finance.  Yes, there are thousands of publications out there that will tell you how to ladder certificates of deposit or dollar cost average your way into index funds.  But, how much you spend on a car or an apartment often determines whether you have any money to invest at all.

Ironically, we found some sensible and practical advice in the September, 2009 issue of Glamour Magazine. No kidding.  Wedged in between Jessica Simpson’s views on men and three flat belly secrets we found an article by Sophia Banay supported by a woman named Galia Gichon who founded something called “Down to Earth Finance.”  The magazine is worth buying for all of the advice but the segment we particularly liked was the part discussing how to budget a $50,000 income.  Gichon breaks down expenses into four categories. She takes the budget and converts to monthly income of about $4150.  She appears to allow for income taxes although that number is not discussed.  But her breakdown is divided between:

Fixed expenses that don’t change monthly                         $1665 a month

Discretionary living expenses                                             $830-970 a month

Retirement savings                                                            $417 a month minimum

General Savings                                                                 $140-280 a month

Gichon comments that fixed expenses including rent, utilities and car payments should not consume more than 60% of your net income (gross income less income taxes).  She suggests that rent or mortgage payments should not exceed half of the fixed expense budget, although this can be a tough assignment in many urban parts of this country. But if that is where life takes you, the answer may be that you don’t drive the same car or limit your discretionary expenses.

Obviously, it is also possible to forego general savings, especially in a world where you are already saving for retirement.  The article suggests that discretionary expenses be limited to 30% of net pay.  This is where the weak tend to falter at the altar of clothing stores, restaurants and Starbucks.  Another contributor to the article, Maria Bartiromo of Closing Bell on CNBC sagely offers that you allow yourself a day before making any major discretionary purchase.  Time afford perspective and you may actually discover that television is almost as enjoyable on the 30 inch flat screen even though the 42 inch beckons.

The article also addresses the subject of debt.  In the past the standard advice is that you need to save three to six months income to cover you for the “rainy day” of illness or unemployment.  Today, consumer credit may fill in the gap, but we are finding that many people are already using their cards to fund expenses they can’t afford long before the rain day ever comes.  These are folks who simply cannot survive if a crisis emerges because they are already deep in high rate debt.

The goal is to budget but before you can intelligently budget you must first be thoroughly familiar with what you bring home and what you currently spend.  It is not a pretty task but people who want to have money when they stop working had better address the question sooner rather than later no matter what their marital status.

Source for post: Pennsylvania Family Law

Madonna and Guy Ritchie could be the first high-profile couple to divorce collaborative-style.

The new, fast-track and non-confrontational way of reaching arrangements over money and children on divorce has just won senior judicial backing – in the week that the couple’s split became public knowledge.

Collaborative law does not sound buzzy. But it is the in-method of reaching divorce agreements, with the benefits of speed, huge cost savings and, above all, minimum acrimony.

Last week a couple of hundred lawyers gathered to celebrate the fifth year since American-style collaborative law was introduced in the UK. In 2003, four London lawyers were among a handful who had qualified in the new method; now there are more than 1,250 and more than 300 in London. This year has also seen the appointment of London’s first “collaborative” silk: Tim Amos, QC.

What is it? It aims to help couples reach agreement out of court, avoiding the risk of the public mud-slinging and battles epitomised in the split between Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills.

Settlements are reached in four-way, face-to-face talks between the parties and their lawyers. There is an incentive to agree: if the talks fail, then new lawyers have to be instructed for court proceedings – at extra cost.

The couple draws up a consent order which is then agreed by the court. This process used to take three to four months. But last week , Mr Justice Coleridge, a senior family judge, announced a fast-track procedure whereby such orders could now be approved within a couple of days.

He said that If every aspect of the case had been agreed, and the hearing before a judge for approving the order would not take longer than ten minutes, all that was needed was a day’s notice to the court and a chance for the judge to read the papers overnight.

The fast-track initiative, which has the backing of Sir Mark Potter, president of the Family Division, comes about after an un-named couple had asked for urgent approval of their settlement because one was about to move to the United States with the children.

At first, Mr Justice Coleridge said that he thought the application rather cheeky. But he added: “However, I am, as is well-known, a pussycat, and agreed to hear the application for approval as the first in the list on the following day.”

The key benefits of the new “good divorce” method are that it is non-adversarial; solutions can be tailormade and flexible; clients have control of the pace; experts (accountants, financial advisers, therapists or counsellors) can be brought in and work with the couples; and privacy is preserved.

He did sound one note of caution, however. Lawyers needed to be “acutely sensitive” to the process failing so that “costs are not run up first by one process and then, after the trial has hit the buffers, by the old-fashioned scheme”.

Isobel Robson, partner and head of family at Andrew Jackson, the Yorkshire law firm, said there was a big take-up in the new method.

“I believe that collaborative law is the most exciting development in family law in my 24 years of practice. Clients love it; they regard the process as direct, clear and amicable whilst avoiding the expenses and latent aggression of the court process.”

Cost savings were considerable too, she said. “I have dealt with collaborative cases with assets in the millions and costs of under £10,000 – perhaps only 10 per cent or less of the costs for contest cases with the same assets.”

The take-up among lawyers is still patchy, however, with some hugely successful pockets in the regions where lawyers have embraced the new method, but a slower take-up in other areas, including London.

“The clients embrace the concept that the whole focus of their case is on settling – rather than fighting,” she said.

Suzanne Kingston, head of family at Dawsons LLP, said that for Madonna and Guy Ritchie, the privacy would be a big incentive. The settlement could be reached “in one of the offices of the solicitors rather than in court”.

So it’s down to Fiona Shackleton (for Madonna) and (Lady) Helen Ward, for Ritchie. The couple are said to want a deal by Christmas. Using this route, they could well do it.

Ever wonder what your child says about you when you’re not around? Does he spill the beans on your recent nose job or repeat that indiscreet crack you made about your boss? From the moment their kids first grab hold of a mouse, parents often warn them that what they say online could come back to haunt their future — the kids’ future, that is. But what about the parents?

In a little noticed but equally unsettling trend, mom and dad are discovering that their children are spilling some embarrassing — if not damaging — information on blogs and social networking sites that could hurt the parents. Disclosures run the gamut from unflattering portraits and pointed criticisms to intimate secrets, confidential business information and allegations of misdeeds. And while kids often think of their online revelations as akin to a private diary stashed under the bed, they offer everyone from your boss to the local police an unauthorized window into your life. “The result can be devastating,” says lawyer Parry Aftab, executive director of WiredSafety.org, a privacy and security group.

For more of what kids are revealing about their parents online — and what to do about it — turn to the September issue of SmartMoney Magazine1.

Disturbing examples have been cropping up all over the country. According to the police in Myrtle Creek, Ore., Kelly Jo Page was arrested in March for buying a keg of beer for her son’s 17th birthday party, after the boy posted photos of the festivities on his MySpace page. Then there was the man who lost his job in 2005 because his daughter confided in her online journal that Dad was drinking a lot because of his boss, whom he considered a “jerk.” And in Maryland, state police say they arrested a Galena, Md., couple in January after a woman found her 12-year-old daughter’s MySpace page stating that her father and stepmother had given her pot and cocaine. Diana May Bland, 24, and Richard L. Bland III, 30, face trial after pleading not guilty to child abuse, reckless endangerment and various drug charges.

No one knows just how many parents have been burned online, but according to Nielsen/Net Ratings, nearly 13 million kids ages 12 to 17 were using social networks in April 2007, up 17% from a year earlier. A recent study by the Pew Internet & American Life Project noted that 31% of teen social networkers admit they have online “friends” they’ve never met. What kids probably don’t know is that those friends may include professionals ranging from cops and private investigators to headhunters and political opposition consultants, all of whom increasingly admit to searching children’s names and posts for information on their parents.

Most parents are only vaguely familiar with the budding world of social networks and what their children reveal there. Indeed, when a SmartMoney reporter asked Tulsa, Okla., father Mike Ferguson if he read his college son’s blog, he responded, “What’s a blog?” Guess he missed the entry in Michael Jr.’s online diary that recounted, in gory detail, why Dad quit his job.

Source: Smart Money

There are certain truths in all family court cases — no matter how famous the parties involved or in which state the case is filed. For instance, James E. McGreevey, the former governor of New Jersey, is going through a “contentious” divorce. Last Friday, the judge in that case urged the McGreeveys to use “common sense” during their split.

The New York Times article about their divorce case illustrates the following common themes:

• Judges want parents to use “common sense”
• Judges want parents to facilitate age-appropriate activities
• Judges want parents to minimize the potential effects of the proceedings and the parental conflict on the child
• Judges focus primarily on parenting skills, not side issues like sexual orientation
• Judges don’t like parents accusing each other of every imaginable error or misdeed
• Judges don’t want to micromanage a child’s life
• Judges will employ methods to reduce conflict and to help resolve child-related disputes, such as the appointment a parenting coordinator

Sources: “Judge Wants Common Sense Used in McGreeveys’ Divorce” published in The New York Times and “Learning From the Contentious Divorce of Former Governor James E. McGreevey” by David C. Sarnacki, published at his Domestic Diversons blog.

Source for post: South Carolina Family Law Blog

Why Stepfamily Day
By Christy Borgeld

When I married my husband Jim, 15 years ago, our new family included 6 children from previous marriages and relationships. Having a child together turned our family into a not-so Brady Bunch. Our problems didn’t get solved in 30 minutes and there’s no housekeeper to help out.

Behind my light-heartedness is a concern for stepfamilies everywhere. These unique family units are often a mishmash of grandparents, aunts, uncles, ex-spouses, and children who must learn to deal with stepmothers and stepfathers. Problems such as stepsibling rivalries and their consequential self-esteem, setting new rules and boundaries, and ex-spousal feuds are just a few aspect that strain most stepfamilies.

My mission began. My only involvement with the government was to vote. I had no idea how to get a day proclaimed. I did research on Anna Jarvis, who was the founder of Mother’s Day. I read about her campaign and her passion to have Mother’s Day proclaimed. I contacted my state governor’s office and started asking questions. I soon learned that to get a day proclaimed I had to have each state governor to proclaim the day or a state senator or state representative to have a resolution passed. So I picked a date, wrote up language for the Stepfamily Day proclamation, and went to work.

This year marks Stepfamily Day’s 10th Anniversary. Today Stepfamily Day is celebrated by having a Stepfamily Day picnic. Cities throughout all 50 states celebrate Stepfamily Day with a family picnic.

As the stepmother and stepfather become central figures in the lives of our children, in a time that is very confusing for them, let us remember the positive and important role we play in their lives as role models. I hope Stepfamily Day will encourage and educate these families. To honor those who have made a commitment to creating new family bonds.

Christy Borgeld Founder-National Stepfamily Day-September 16
EST. 1997
www.nationalstepfamilyday.com
contact@nationalstepfamilyday.com

National Stepfamily Resource Center
(NSRC) is a division of Auburn University’s Center for Children, Youth, and Families
Stepfamily Expert Council
www.stepfamilies.info

If you are a custodial parent, you may have conflict and disagreements with your ex-spouse. However, this does not mean that your child should not be involved with his or her other parent. Divorce ends a marriage, after all, not parenthood.

Why is it important that the noncustodial parent stay involved? First, as Frank Furstenberg and Christine Nord of the University of Pennsylvania found, most children view their noncustodial parent as significant in their lives. Second, a review by Paul Amato and Joan Gilbreth found that, in divorced families, children are generally better adjusted when they have a positive relationship with the noncustodial parent. And, as Mary F. Whiteside of the Ann Arbor Center for the Family found in her research, the more frequent the visitation between a noncustodial father and his child, the better the relationship. Third, if you are the custodial parent, your child’s visitation with your ex-spouse can allow you some free time – time to organize yourself, complete some tasks, and perhaps even relax. Fourth, more frequent contact with the noncustodial parent is related to more consistent child support payments, which itself is very important.

There are some conditions under which frequent contact may be less than beneficial for children. These conditions do not mean visitation should not occur; rather, these circumstances may need to be addressed so that visitation can be more pleasant and beneficial for a child.

1.Frequent contact between a noncustodial parent and a child typically means more interchanges between you and your ex-spouse. Thus, if you and your ex-spouse are engaging in high levels of heated conflict in front of your child around visitation or when the two of you meet to exchange your child, this can be detrimental.
2.Inconsistent contact, such as visits not occurring as scheduled, can have a negative effect on children. Children need consistent routines. They may also interpret broken visits as indicating a parent does not love or care for them.
3.When a particularly high conflict relationship exists between a noncustodial parent and a child, being forced to spend relatively long periods of time together may be detrimental.
4.If a noncustodial parent is irresponsible, incompetent, or perhaps mentally disturbed, the amount of time spent with that parent likely should be limited. However, if you are the custodial parent, remember that you may have hostile feelings that influence your perceptions of your ex-spouse. Also, just because an ex-spouse may not have been a good spouse does not mean that he is not an adequate parent. You chose to marry and have a child with your ex-spouse; thus, he or she cannot be all bad, right?

Encourage your ex-spouse

Ex-spouses are often willing to spend time with their children but are uncertain about exactly what role to take after the divorce. If you are the custodial parent, you need to make sure your ex-spouse understands that he or she still plays very important role in your child’s life.

If you are the custodial parent, here are our recommendations on how to encourage your ex-spouse to spend time with your child:

*Maintain low levels of hostility and high levels of cooperation between the two of you to enhance the involvement of your ex-spouse with your child.
*Remember that it’s not how you feel but how you act that has the greatest impact on your child. The important point is to prevent your negative feelings from controlling what you say and do in your child’s presence.
*Do not criticize your ex-spouse in your child’s presence. This can hurt your child’s perception and relationship not only with his other parent but also with you.
*Encourage your child to initiate activities with your ex-spouse. These might involve going to a movie or special event together or any other activity that is beyond the usual and customary visitation time.
*Encourage phone calls, letters, and e-mails between your child and his other parent, especially if the other parent lives far away. Parents and children can also play games with each other over the Internet.
*Encourage your child to take items, such as his artwork and photographs, to show or give to his other parent.
*Keep a folder with information to share with the other parent. Items to keep in the folder might include report cards, schoolwork, school calendars, activity schedules, photographs, and videos. You can give these items (or copies) to your ex-spouse. Keeping himor her regularly informed about your child’s life can make your former spouse feel more connected and thus more likely to continue involvement.
*Talk to your ex-spouse about the good things, not just the problems.
*Incorporate your ex-spouse into your child’s special events, such as birthdays, sports activities, and holidays. By doing this, you will help your ex-spouse feel that he or she still plays an important role in his child’s life.
*Help your child select cards and gifts for his other parent’s birthday and special occasions (Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, etc.).
*Communicate to your ex-spouse that you appreciate his or her parenting role.

Find the right balance

How can divorced parents arrange the right amount of contact between a child and the noncustodial parent? First, the legal arrangements of your divorce likely will specify the noncustodial parent’s time with the child. In ideal situations, this arrangement will be (or was) negotiated and acceptable to you, your ex-spouse, and your child. If needed, use a mediator to help find an arrangement agreeable to all. Second, for a very young child, more frequent short visits may be better initially than prolonged visits. For older children, let them have some input into the visitation schedule. Flexibility and creativity will be required with teenagers when contact with the noncustodial parent is considered.

The guiding principle should be the following: “What is in the best interest of your child?” Third – and this can be difficult – work cooperatively with your ex-spouse and your child. Take his or her needs, as well as yours, into account as visitation is arranged. Develop a predictable, but flexible, schedule. Allow flexibility to also accommodate your child’s activities: don’t drag him or her away from important activities in order to visit.

Here are some additional points:

*If you are the custodial parent, don’t withhold contact between your ex-spouse and your child as a way to punish your ex-spouse. You will hurt your child the most.
*If you are the noncustodial parent, focus on the quality of contact, as much as the quantity. Quality time does not mean being a “Disneyland” parent but rather working (yes, it is work!) on building a positive relationship with your child. This means doing activities together, being positive with your child, and having clear rules that you consistent ly enforce. With an older child or teenager, you may want to involve his or her friends in some of these activities.
*If you are the noncustodial parent and your relationship with your child is primarily negative at the moment, go slowly. Spend brief periods of time with your child and make those times very positive. Gradually, through your efforts, the relationship will turn around.
*If you are the noncustodial parent and your relationship with your child is positive, longer visits may be beneficial. They will allow you to establish regular routines where your child is more a part of your life rather than being just a visitor in your home.
*If you are a noncustodial parent, especially one who lives some distance away, there are forms of contact other than being physically together. You can telephone, write letters, and, in this age of computers, you can also e-mail your child.

Smooth out visitation transitions

As we have emphasized, it is important for your child to have frequent and predictable contact with his noncustodial parent. What this means is that there likely will be an interaction between you and your ex-spouse when your child moves from one home to the other. This transition time, which has been labeled as a “switchover,” can be difficult for both of you and, particularly, for your child.

Why do children have difficulty when making the transition from one parent to the other? The foremost answer is that when parents are actively engaged in conflict with each other, children display more problems. Think about it for a moment: you and your ex-spouse may interact with each other only during times of switching your child from one home to the other. As a result, he or she sees the two of you together only at these times. If you spend this time fighting over issues like visitation and money, your child soon comes to expect the switch from one parent to the other to be loaded with conflict. As a consequence, it is not surprising that your child might display symptoms of distress.

Another reason making the transition from one parent to the other may be difficult for your child is the change that occurs as he or she moves from one home to the other. Even if parents strive for consistency between their homes, there will be differences. It sometimes takes children a while to adjust to different parenting styles, rules, and surroundings. Many children have a particularly difficult time when they eturn from a weekend visit. Such postweekend difficulties are sometimes referred to as “reentry problems.” Switching at this time is often made more difficult by the child having to return to the reality of regular life (e.g., school night) from a relatively unstructured time over the weekend.

Children also may have difficulty with switchovers due to uncertainties. If your child, particularly if he is young, is unsure of when he will be with each parent, how long he will be with that parent, and exactly when and where he will be picked up when time with a parent ends, he may experience anxiety and distress. Be sure to tell your child, very clearly, all the details of the visitation schedule.

Switchover sites should be determined, first, by the needs of your child and, second, by the preferences of you as parents. If you and your ex-spouse frequently engage in open, hostile conflict, you are probably better off having the switchover take place in a public setting where the two of you are less likely to lose your tempers or someplace where there is little or no contact between the two of you. For example, one of you can drop your child off at a grandparent’s house or at an after-school activity and the other spouse can pick him up there.

Here are some additional recommendations for making visitation transitions smooth:

*Develop a month-by-month visitation schedule, taking into account holidays, vacations, and special occasions. Each parent should have a copy of this schedule to minimize misunderstandings over when visits will occur.
*Confirm with your ex-spouse about when and where visitation “switchovers” will occur.
*Have your child ready in advance of the switchover time. Have all clothes and other items packed and ready to go.
*If your child is going to need to bring anything special along for the visit, let the other parent know in advance.
*Speak to your ex-spouse in advance of any changes in your schedule regarding visitation.
*Realize that visitation schedules may change as a function of your child’s activities. Do not try to resolve these changes in front of your child during a switchover.
*Don’t make your child responsible for making, canceling, or changing visitation plans. Those are your and your ex-spouse’s responsibilities.
*Do not be late or fail to show up for a switchover. If this happens frequently, there is a good chance that your child will think you do not care about him or her.
*Deal with issues that need to be resolved with your ex-spouse at times other than the transition of your child from one home to the other.
*Remember, don’t use your child to convey messages to your ex-spouse during the transition

Source for post: Divorce Magazine